Helpless
by Tracy-Lou
Summary: Follow up to 'Broken'. Ste is awake and confused and there's only one person he feels he can turn to, but he isn't there.


Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they belong to Hollyoaks!

Summary: Follow up to 'Broken'. Ste is awake and confused and there's only one person he feels he can turn to, but he isn't there.

A/N: For some reason I wrote this in the present tense, I hope it works.

Helpless

The days pass by and gradually Ste feels that little bit stronger. Doug is quiet and hesitant with him, as though he might break at any moment. Ste doesn't know what to say to him, doesn't know what to say to anyone. He hates that he's here, that once again he's a victim of something he couldn't control. Weirdly he wants Brendan here; Brendan who will sit quietly with him and not make him feel incapable. But Brendan hasn't been by once and Ste's afraid to ask why.

Cheryl's been here, all teary eyes and talking in her softest voice. She was the one to break the news of the other causalities. Ste didn't really know the three teenagers but he thinks of their parents and his chest tightens. Rhys though, Ste knew him very well. He starts babbling to Cheryl about the old days in Chez Chez and how he wasn't always kind to Rhys. She laughs a little sadly, reminding him that even if he'd known, would they really have gotten along? Ste smiles then because he and Rhys had both been through so much, were both so opinionated and outspoken that the chances of them being best mates were slim. Even so, life is full of so many regrets. Ste wishes he could have spoken to him one more time at least. He doesn't know what he would have said though.

He tries to ask Cheryl where Brendan is but his throat constricts. He daren't ask Doug. They haven't spoken about the recording yet; Ste suspects he could forgive him for it, if he let Doug explain himself. Not because he agrees with the act, but because it's always so straightforward with Doug. They fight, they make up. Doug commits. Ste goes along with it. It's almost exhausting and it's a conversation Ste isn't quite ready for. He fears how he'll feel, whether it'll all still be the same.

It's so lonely, trapped in his thoughts like this. He wants to get out of the hospital. He hates the smell and the constant chattering throughout the day and night. He tells Doug this and Doug nods, telling him to hold on a little bit longer and they can go home. _Home. _Ste isn't even sure where that is anymore. He doesn't know how to walk back into the flat after what he's just been through. How can he be what the kids need when he doesn't know how to feel anymore?

Finally, he's left alone. He pulls himself upright, stiff all over. His legs shake unsteadily. He unhooks himself, the beeping of the machine hurting his ears despite how dull the sound is. His chest feels tight with the relief he craves so desperately. He has to get out; he can't take how stifling it all is. He can't take anymore visitors with their flowers and their sympathy and none of them are him, none of them are the only person who could really understand how helpless and alone he feels.

Why did he leave him? Why hasn't he come? Ste was there for him so many times when he was broken beyond repair. How can he abandon him now? A part of him feels like he shouldn't be surprised, going by past experiences. But something had changed; they were friends, weren't they? Or was it all some joke? A pretence? Ste desperately needs answers and he won't be getting them here.

He pulls on his jacket flung over the chair. Doug had already brought him his pyjamas from home. He slips into some shoes and totters unsteadily to the door. He only has a few minutes until the nurses come to check on the beeping. It's so late he doubts they'll be here in a hurry.

He keeps his head bent low as he walks through the hospital. When he makes it outside he feels so small and cold in his pyjamas and shoes with no socks. He hails a taxi, fingering some notes left in his jacket pocket. He notes suddenly that it's his wedding one.

The taxi drives gives him a strange look but says nothing. When he arrives in the village he's grateful that it's mostly deserted. By now he's exhausted. His limbs feel heavy and his breathing is erratic. His vision is becoming blurred as he edges his way up the stairs. Each step is painful and he gropes ahead with both hands in case he topples over. He finally finds the door and collapses against it, beaten at last.

"Steven?" A gruff voice says in astonishment. "Steven!" he says again, much more urgently. Ste feels hands around him, lifting him to his feet. He collapses against the warm chest and closes his eyes.

"Brendan…" he whispers and everything goes black.

Xxx

Brendan can't quite believe it. Steven appearing at his door, so small and helpless in barely any clothes, white as a sheet and groping towards him. Brendan had to lift him into his arms as he carried him inside, taking him to his own bedroom and slipping him beneath the covers. He wants to know why he's here and suspects he wasn't let out of the hospital voluntarily.

Steven doesn't take long to open his eyes. He stares at Brendan uncomprehendingly for a moment.

"How did I get here?"

"Ye tell me." Brendan chuckles without real humour.

Steven blinks a few times. "Brendan?" he croaks.

"Yeah, it's me." Brendan reaches out to touch him but then hesitates. Steven stares at his hand and his eyes begin to fill with tears. "Hey, what is it? What's wrong?" Brendan leans across the bed towards him.

"Where were you?"

"What? When?"

"When I woke up."

Brendan looks away. "Steven…"

"No, tell me!" Steven pulls himself up and winces. "I needed you and you weren't there."

"Ye needed me? Ye have Douglas, ye don't need me."

Steven shakes his head. "You know how it feels to be where I was, to feel helpless, broken. You could have helped."

"Ye don't need me for that, Steven. Ye don't need me for anything."

"I'd like to decide that for myself!" Steven says angrily. He tries to get out of bed but topples. Brendan catches him around the waist.

"Ye came all this way to shout at me? Hm?"

"Yes!" Steven brushes him off. "I wanted answers."

"Ye could have called."

"Like you'd answer!"

"I'm doing what's best for ye, Steven."

"I don't buy that." Steven rasps, clutching his side.

"Ye aren't well, ye need to get back to hospital." Brendan reaches for his phone but Steven throws it across the room. "Steven!" Brendan exclaims.

"I want you to be honest with me, right now. What was you going to tell me before I married Doug?"

Brendan wilts. "It doesn't matter now."

"I know it was something important, the last time you looked that determined…" Steven trails off, frowning. "Tell me."

"Steven-"

"I'll walk right out that door if you don't, and it's cold outside."

Brendan bows his head, helpless. "Okay, fine. Not like it means anything now-"

"Spit it out." Steven crosses his arms resolutely.

"I didn't want ye to marry Doug." Brendan says abruptly. "And that doesn't fit in with how I'm trying to change and I'm sorry for that. But I don't want ye to be with him, I can't bear to see ye with someone else."

Steven's expression shifts. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because ye love him." Brendan shrugs, smiling sadly. "And I love ye too much to make ye choose like that."

Steven chokes back a sob, like Brendan's just given him the worst news imaginable.

"Why didn't you visit then if you love me so much?"

"I did." Brendan whispers. "Didn't ye get my cross?"

Steven frowns.

"Ah, right. Can't say I blame Douglas…" Brendan sighs. "It doesn't matter, I made a deal anyway."

"What kind of deal?" Steven asks.

Brendan glances up. "I said if ye live I'd leave ye alone."

"Well that's stupid isn't it?" Steven says sulkily. "Don't you want me around?"

"Steven, have ye be listening to a word I've said?"

"Don't give me that tone, of course I have! But it's all stupid! I want you to be around me, I don't want you to leave me alone."

"But why? Ye have Douglas!"

"Maybe that's not what I want!" Steven blurts out. He covers his mouth with his hand.

Brendan looks away. "Ye should go."

"I don't want to." Steven sinks into the covers.

"They'll all be worried about ye."

"They should worry about the people who died." Steven whispers and Brendan can see the tears running down his face.

"Is that what this is about?" Brendan lies beside him, their bodies inches apart.

"I've cheated death twice now." Steven says, then frowns. "Actually the first time was when I tried to kill myself."

Brendan gasps and automatically reaches for him, his hand finding his shoulder.

"It was before you, a time when I thought I was nothing, when I thought the world was better off without me."

"Not possible." Brendan throws caution to the wind and wraps his arms around Steven. He pushes back against him, allowing himself to be held.

"I just want to feel something." Steven chokes out. "I want to feel grateful that I'm here and I can't."

"Think of ye kids, what would they do without ye? What would I do?"

Steven turns in his arms then, smiling up at him. "I knew you'd know what to say, Bren."

Brendan can feel his heart hammering in his chest. He knows he must send him away soon, but one more minute won't hurt, surely? Steven leans towards him, his lips barely grazing Brendan's before he collapses back down onto the pillows.

"It wasn't easy getting here and I'm so tired…" his eyes begin to close. Brendan places his hand on the top of his head, stroking his hair. It's such a relief to be near him. He was going insane not seeing him and he was beginning to think the image of Steven hooked up to machines, completely lifeless, was all he was going to remember.

"I'll call someone to get ye."

"Later." Steven pleads, pulling Brendan's arm back around him. "If this is all we get because you think I'm better off without you, then I'm going to enjoy it."

"Steven…"

"Just shut up." Steven wiggles himself into a comfortable position and Brendan smirks before pulling him closer to his chest.

"Alright." he concedes. Steven falls asleep almost straight away, or at least Brendan thinks he does.

"Brendan…"

"Hm?"

"Will everything be okay?"

He sounds so small, so helpless. Brendan never wants to hear that in his voice ever again.

"Of course it will." he says, kissing his hair. "Even if I'm not around, know that I'll be there if ye need me, day or night."

"I don't want you to not be around."

"That's a first."

"I know." Steven says wonderingly. "I think I kind of love you, that's all."

He says it so casually and Brendan feels the words hit him right in the chest.

"Jesus, Steven."

"What?"

"Ye can't just say that."

"Why not? I love you. I always have, always will. Tough shit."

Brendan laughs low in his throat. "Well, I love ye too, if it helps."

"It does, thanks."

"Well I'm glad that's sorted then."

"Me too."

They're silent for several moments.

"Ye aren't actually going to leave me alone, are ye?"

"Nope. I'll keep bothering you till you speak to me."

"Oh, Steven."

"What?"

"I try to do the right thing for once and ye just-"

"Stomp all over it?"

"Pretty much."

"Well get used to it because I'm not leaving."

"Fine."

"And if you try to leave, go to Ireland or whatever, I'll follow you."

"Okay."

"And don't think for a second I won't because-"

"Steven! I said okay."

"Oh, alright then."

They settle back down. Brendan's missed this, the banter, the warmth of Steven's body against his own. He never wants it to end.

"Can I stay the night?" Steven asks eventually.

"Let me at least tell them ye are alright first."

"Doug will freak." Ste says regretfully.

"I'll take the blame." Brendan buries his face into Steven's neck. "Ye will have to choose now I suppose?"

"Haven't I already?"

Brendan feels his heart swell. "Maybe." he says cautiously.

"You'll have to trust me." Steven breathes, beginning to drift into sleep.

"I do." Brendan replies, pulling the covers up to Steven's chin. "It's me I don't trust."

"Brendan… don't even think about it."

"We'll talk about it another time."

"Remember if you leave, I'll follow."

"Sure, I know."

"I mean it." His voice is beginning to slur.

"Just sleep."

"I'm not helpless, not anymore. It's my choice."

"Shh, Steven…"

He eventually drifts off and Brendan holds him as tightly as he'll allow himself to.

He can't take Steven at his word just yet. There's still so much to talk about and he knows leaving Doug won't come easy to him. He doesn't dare to hope but somewhere deep inside he feels this to be true, that Steven wants him, wants to be with him. Even if it doesn't happen right now, Brendan knows it will someday. And that's enough for him.


End file.
